Out of control!

I had a conversation with God this morning. Usually I talk a lot and I don't listen (that is the case in most of my relationships), or I don't know that he is talking to me, or I am just not wanting to hear what he has to say, but today we talked. The conversation we went something like this: Me(journaling): Lord, I don't know what is wrong with me. I seem to be incapable to doing the right thing. I can't get up early in the mornings, I can't keep my apartment clean, I can't stay off of facebook. I can't stop over-eating, and my anger is out of control!" God "Out of YOUR control, not out of mine." I was not sure if this was really something I heard from God, but after that I really felt like I was supposed to work in my Celebrate Recovery workbook. It was a feeling that wouldn't go away, so I did. The lesson I was on in the book was a lesson on powerlessness. Principle 1 in Celebrate Recovery is "Realize I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable." Step one is "We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors and that our lives had become unmanageable." The lesson goes on to talk about how there are really few things that we really have control over. I have been going to Celebrate Recovery since January. I am just now starting to work the steps, and now I'm wondering why I waited so long. God can use any situation to truly transform your life. He did this for me at Mercy Ministries (www.mercyministries.org) when he literally, saved my life physically and spiritually. I do not believe the ministry itself is what does it, it is JESUS. It is the same way with celebrate recovery. God uses this ministry and the people in this ministry to really help people find freedom from their problems, or hurts, habits, and hang-ups, as they say. This blog was not intended to be about celebrate recovery. This blog is supposed to be about God, and about how he can speak to us and we really can hear from him. Sometimes it's an audible voice. Sometimes it's through a person, sometimes it's a verse of scripture that was exactly what you needed to hear. For me, it was a still small voice this time. He has spoken to me in various ways over the years. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't. I want to be the woman that listens and obeys what he says, no matter what. In Luke 1:26-38, when the angel visits Mary and tells her that she will give birth to our Savior, her reply to him is "May it be to me as you have said." Wow. Why can't this be my response to God when he talks. Why can't I just say yes or ok and just do what he says or let him do what he says? I have a rebellious tendency. I don't like to be told what to do. That is a problem in many areas of life, but I extend that rebellion into my spiritual life. When God says do this, I say "well, I hear you, but I think I this way is better." No. It is not better! God's way is always best. I started this post in one direction, but it seems to have gone a different way. That is ok. Hopefully it is not hard to follow. The whole point of all of this is that I want God to be in control. Bottom line. I don't want to get in his way anymore. I want him to do what he wants, and I want to do what he says, without throwing in my 2 cents. God is in control. I am not. I am surrendering to him and letting him take the lead.

Obedience is always best

I am having a hard time lately getting my 2 year old son to listen. He doesn't listen, he gets in trouble, I get angry, and they cycle repeats. I find myself getting down on my knees at eye level with him and telling him "if you will just listen to mommy and do what mommy says, you won't get in trouble." I said these words today and then something, (we will call it the Holy Spirit, which is most likely what it was)hit me hard, like a spiritual smack in the head and told me "if you are disobedient, there will be consequences." I am fighting with God right now. Maybe it is not ok to say that, but it is what is going on. I am fighting him like a stubborn child in the an area where he wants me to be obedient. I keep messing up and there are certain consequences, and yet, I won't stop doing what I am doing (or not doing what I should be doing in this case.) When I am obedient, he will bless me. When I am disobedient, there will be consequences. Why will I not just listen and do what he says? Why do I think that my way is best? Why do I think that he will reward me for giving into my flesh and doing what I want? I read a quote by Joyce Meyer that said "Obedience becomes the natural fruit of the love that you have for God." If obedience is the natural fruit of my love for God, what does disobedience say about my love for him? Does being rebellious mean that I don't love him? If I give into my flesh instead of being obedient to God, am I saying that I don't care what he wants? In a sense I believe I am. I am saying that what you want doesn't matter to me, I am going to do things my way anyway. That is extremely convicting and makes me feel horrible. I strive to be obedient, but I cannot seem to be successful. Paul said in Romans 7:15-20 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Basically this is saying that I want to do what is right, but because I am a sinful person, I cannot do what I want to do. My heart is for God. I love God. I want to live for him. I want to serve him. I desire to do what he wants for me, and yet my sin and my flesh get in the way and make it difficult. Notice I did not say "make it impossible." We are in a war, and we have to fight our flesh and the enemy (satan) to be able to do what is right. We may lose some battles, but as long as we don't give up and let them win the war, we still have a chance to do what is right. This gives me hope. Every day that I get up and choose to fight, and choose to be obedient, there is still hope for me. Obedience is always the best choice. Not always the easiest, but ALWAYS the best.