Behold him with new eyes

I wrote the following poem a few years ago when I was taking a class at my church called Free Indeed. Part of the homework (for lack of a better word) for Free Indeed one week was to behold Jesus and be transformed. During my quiet time one day, I prayed that I could behold him, and I saw a picture of him sitting on a throne, wearing a white robe, and I was just bowing at his feet worshiping him. Also during my quiet time, the following poem was put on my heart. Perhaps it was God inspired?

 Behold him as king sitting high on the throne.
Behold him as your savior who for your life gave his own.
Behold him as a friend who will never leave your side
Behold him as a counselor in whom you can confide.
Behold him! He is Jesus! God's one and only son. He came and lived among sinners, and yet, he wasn't one.
His sacrifice saved our lives and set the captives free.
Behold him! He is risen! And he's coming back for you and me.

I am reading a book right now called "I Tried Until I Almost Died" written by Sandra McCollum. I was reading the other day and came across the following words. While reading, I just thought "Wow. I love how God works." This is what she wrote " We are changed, transfigured into the image of Jesus when we behold him. What does it mean to "behold" Him? How do we do that? Here are some synonyms for the word behold that may give us some insight: catch, consider, contemplate, lay eyes on, notice, observe, regard, see, watch, and witness."

So I took these synonyms and filled them in for the word behold in my poem, and this is what I got. I was blown away, but why am I surprised? God has been blowing me away with many things over the past few weeks... here it is:

Contemplate him as king sitting high on the throne.
Lay eyes on him as your savior, who for you life gave his own.
Regard him as a friend, who will never leave your side.
Observe him as a counselor, in whom you can confide.
Consider him, he is Jesus, God's one and only son
He came and lived among sinners, and yet he wasn't one
His sacrifice saved our lives and set the captives free
Witness him, he is risen! And he's coming back for you and me.

This completely changed my perspective and paints a pretty amazing picture of who he is and what he does.

Rebulding the ancient ruins

Isaiah 61:4
"They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."

I had an encounter with God last night. Before I get into that, I need to explain a few things; I have spent many years of my life suffering with deep, debilitating depression. I spent a good majority of my late teens and early 20s trying to die, but God wouldn't let me. I have cried out to God before, but I have never experienced anything like I did last night. This was truly my "Saul on the road to Damascus" moment, and I know deep down in my soul that I will never be the same again. Bear with me as I am going to share a journal entry from last night and my conversation with God.

My journal entry:

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!!? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!?!?? I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!! YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME, SO WHERE ARE YOU?!?!? WHY HAVE YOU ABONDEND ME? MY LIFE IS CHAOS. EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART... WHERE ARE YOU?!?! I NEED YOU!!!! I NEED YOU!!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF, PLEASE HELP ME!

God told me to read Romans 7:14. I started there, and things jumped off the page as if I was reading them from the first time and that they were spoken directly to me. Then I came across verses 21-25 "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my  inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched (wo)man I am! Who will rescue me from tis body of death? Thanks be to God  - Through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature, a slave to the law of sin."

I read this and asked God what he wanted to me hear, or learn, or see from this passage.  I wrote, but I was not writing. The words flowed from my pen, and I know it was directly from God. Here goes:

"There is a war waging inside of you. There is a part of you that desires to serve me and follow me- and you really do want that with all your heart - but satan is fighting for you. He doesn't want you to seek me, because I have created you for a great kingdom purpose. You, my child, are going to do great things for my kingdom, so satan is scared. If he can keep you down, and distracted, and even get you to take your life, you will not be able to fulfill your magnificent destiny. Take this to heart: I love you. Nothing you can do can separate you from my love. Nothing. I do not hate you. I love you. Stop doubting me. Trust me. Your life has been filled with people who have broken your trust and let you down, but that isn't me. I love you. I love YOU. All I want is your heart. All I want is for you to take up your cross and follow me. My arms are open waiting to welcome you back with love. I am waiting. Will now be the time? Will you give me all of you and allow me to heal you and rebuild the ancient ruins that have been long devastated? Will you trust me? Will you follow me today, no turning back?"

This was to me from him. I have no doubt in my mind. This changed me. I can't explain the change, but I am changed. I will never be the same again.

Lord, here I am, send me!

I'm not sure I would consider myself a writer. In fact, as I sit here thinking of words to say, I struggle. I know that I have things on my heart that I want to write about, and I believe those things were placed there by God. He has given me a heart for people, and I know that I am supposed to do something to help people who need help. My voice is supposed to speak for those who are not being heard, but where do I begin? My heart in particular is for those struggling with a mental illness, or an addiction of some sort. These people often get over looked, and labeled as "less than" by society, even by Christians sometimes. The bottom line is this: Jesus didn't call us to reach those who we feel deserve to be reached. He didn't say go and preach the gospel to those whom you find "worthy". None of us are worthy. We are all sinners and we all fall short. The thing that weighs heaviest on my heart in regards to the way some Christians do things is, as Christians, as people who are supposed to be followers of Christ, there is not one thing that we do that should be done from any place other than a place of love. We are to tell people the truth, in LOVE. We are to love people, and be the tangible hands and feet of Jesus. If someone is struggling with something, we HELP them. If we see a need, we take care of that need. We are not Jesus, but we are his servants, and we are to serve his people. Serving God is not about YOU!!! Going to church is not about YOU!!! Your relationship with God is not about YOU!!!!. Why are we living our lives with the mindset of "how do I benefit from this"? When are we going to wake up and step out and go out to the front lines (so to speak) and go to battle for these people that have been written off as hopeless, and rejects? I want to serve Jesus. I want to be on the streets ministering to drug addicts, and prostitutes, and homeless people. Those who are hurting, and broken, and who are in desperate need of a savior. I want to love those that the world has labeled unlovable. And I want to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. Heavenly father, please show me what you want me to do with this passion you have put on my heart. Open the doors I need opened to be able to do the things you have called me to do. Lord, where you lead me I will follow. Where you send me, I will go. Here I am. I am yours. Use me. Send me. In Jesus' name, Amen!

You Are My King

You are my king
Your name I sing
With hands lifted high
To you, I cry
You bring the victory
Death has lost its sting
Chains have been removed
Washed white as snow,
I've been made new.

Thoughts about things

When did we become a nation of people with a sense of entitlement? I am reading so many things lately about how "this is my right." "I have the freedom to do this or that." People seem to only be concerned with what they are entitled to and what they deserve, that they don't even really seem to see anyone else. Living in America, we do have certain constitutional rights. I'm sure that there are other countries who have similar freedoms and rights. God didn't say anything about us deserving anything or being entitled to anything. The only thing that any of us deserves is death. The bible says in Romans 6:23 " For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." It also says in Romans 3:23 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." We are ALL sinners, and we deserve death. It is because of God's grace and mercy, and because he loves us so much that he doesn't just snap his fingers and wipe us all out. Everything we have is because he allows us to have it. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. We are deserving of NOTHING. Who are we to say "this is my right?" I don't get it. Another thing that I have noticed is a lot of people just being mean and berating people under the guise of love. Love does not hurt. Love is not mean. If you are going to speak to someone from any place other than a place of true love, keep your mouth shut. I believe that we can say that certain things are sin if God calls them sin. For example, saying that God says being an alcoholic (a drunkard) or an adulterer, or an idolater, or living a homosexual lifestyle, or sleeping with someone before you're married is sinful is not passing judgment. Calling sin sin is not passing judgment. It is what it is. If I say that a basketball is a basketball, I am just calling it what it is. I am not making any kind of judgment or forming any kind of opinion about basketballs. It's the same thing. BUT...there is a difference in saying that something is a sin and then condemning someone for their sins. If you think I am sinning in some way, point it out to me lovingly. Do not tell me what you think about the matter. Tell me what God says. I am not interested in your opinion on how I live my life. Again, anything and everything we do as Christians should be done out of love, and to lead people to (or back to) Christ. I am guilty of judging and stating my opinion on how I think people should be doing something, but ultimately my opinion is not important. God's is, though. Are you living right according to him? Are you doing things that he is ok with you doing, or are you doing things that he says you shouldn't do? Just something to think about.

Freedom Reigns

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning,and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." Isaiah 61:1-4 I love this verse. I believe if Jesus had a mission statement, this would be it. This is what he came to earth to do. There is a class that my church does a couple of times a year called Free Indeed. I was re-reading my materials from Free Indeed, and God reminded me of something; As a child of God, I am already free. Freedom isn't something I am waiting for, it has already happened. Jesus unlocked my cell, it is up to me to walk out and live free, or to stay in my cell and live like a prisoner. I am free. I am free! Praise Jesus! I don't have to wait for it..it has already come. My favorite part of the above scripture is verse 4 "They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations". I believe that, aside from freedom, Jesus came to bring healing and restoration. There are areas in my life that have been wounded. I am a very visual person, so I look at the hurt as something that has literally been demolished, or devastated. God is working in my life right now to rebuild the ancient ruins. I have lived in bondage for 15 years. Those things that were destroyed long ago, the things that brought me so much pain, God is rebuilding and restoring all of that. Jesus doesn't save us and then leave us to clean up our mess on our own. He wants us to let him work. We have a role and a part that we play in all of this, but I believe that we are to surrender to him and let him work. That is where healing happens. I will end with a quote from the Free Indeed materials that I am reading; "The church, in recent decades, has preached the saving grace of Jesus with passion, but too often, has stopped short of the transforming power of Jesus. Many believers are saved but remain in bondage to sin, addictions, and emotional brokenness. Each of these hinders their ability to receive love or give love in their relationships with God and others. God's word declares that every believer is now a citizen of Heaven. As a believer, the kingdom of God has come to you along with kingdom privileges and responsibilities-including healing and freedom." Amen!

Eating disorders

I am writing this blog because I read an article today that has me fuming. The article was entitled "5 Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder." I will let you find the article on your own and read it if you choose. Eating disorders affect millions of men and women in the United States. According to statistics, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or an eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS)(http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-facts-eating-disorders). It is commonly believed that eating disorders only affect women, and specifically white, middle to upper class women. The truth is, eating disorders do not discriminate. It doesn't matter your gender, race, or income level, anyone at any time can be affected. Eating disorders are not diets. They are not fads, or lifestyles...They are serious illnesses that, can and do kill people. This topic is near and dear to my heart, because I had an bulimia for 10 years. I have many dear friends who have or have had an eating disorder. I know people who have died because of these disorders. The bible says in John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." This is how I know that eating disorders are from satan. Eating disorders steal lives long before a person physically dies. A person becomes consumed by the disorder, thinking of nothing else. People often become unable to maintain friendships or any significant relationships. Eating disorders put a strain on families, often tearing them apart. Eating disorders kill physically. A review of nearly fifty years of research confirms that anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder. For females between fifteen to twenty-four years old who suffer from anorexia nervosa, the mortality rate associated with the illness is twelve times higher than the death rate of all other causes of death. This is sad and scary! Eating disorders destroy lives, families friendships, and even if a person doesn't die, their bodies are often destroyed. This is serious and scary stuff!!! We live in a world that is so thin obsessed! There are so many products on the market geared toward losing weight. There is a dangerous lie being taught to our children, particularly our daughters, that they have to be thin to be beautiful, or important, or desirable. Girls in 1st-3rd grade are dieting. These are girls from ages 6-9 years old!!!! This is ridiculous!!!! I hear so many comments and jokes about eating disorders. Most people don't take them seriously, but they are serious. They are so serious. EATING DISORDERS KILL!!!!!!! This isn't something to be taken lightly or to be pushed aside, this is LITERALLY a matter of life and death!!! I feel like this is where my ministry is supposed to be, or at least part of it. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. On March 1st, I am planning on having a walk for eating disorder awareness. I am hoping that I can find people who want to get involved and make a difference. This is something that is heavy on my heart and that I am passionate about. I am praying that God will show me what I am supposed to do with it. For more information about eating disorders, or where to get help if you or someone you know is struggling, go to www.nationaleatingdisorders.org. Also, to hear stories of hope or to get help visit www.mercyministries.org.