Rebulding the ancient ruins

Isaiah 61:4
"They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."

I had an encounter with God last night. Before I get into that, I need to explain a few things; I have spent many years of my life suffering with deep, debilitating depression. I spent a good majority of my late teens and early 20s trying to die, but God wouldn't let me. I have cried out to God before, but I have never experienced anything like I did last night. This was truly my "Saul on the road to Damascus" moment, and I know deep down in my soul that I will never be the same again. Bear with me as I am going to share a journal entry from last night and my conversation with God.

My journal entry:

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!!? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!?!?? I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!! YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME, SO WHERE ARE YOU?!?!? WHY HAVE YOU ABONDEND ME? MY LIFE IS CHAOS. EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART... WHERE ARE YOU?!?! I NEED YOU!!!! I NEED YOU!!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF, PLEASE HELP ME!

God told me to read Romans 7:14. I started there, and things jumped off the page as if I was reading them from the first time and that they were spoken directly to me. Then I came across verses 21-25 "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my  inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched (wo)man I am! Who will rescue me from tis body of death? Thanks be to God  - Through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature, a slave to the law of sin."

I read this and asked God what he wanted to me hear, or learn, or see from this passage.  I wrote, but I was not writing. The words flowed from my pen, and I know it was directly from God. Here goes:

"There is a war waging inside of you. There is a part of you that desires to serve me and follow me- and you really do want that with all your heart - but satan is fighting for you. He doesn't want you to seek me, because I have created you for a great kingdom purpose. You, my child, are going to do great things for my kingdom, so satan is scared. If he can keep you down, and distracted, and even get you to take your life, you will not be able to fulfill your magnificent destiny. Take this to heart: I love you. Nothing you can do can separate you from my love. Nothing. I do not hate you. I love you. Stop doubting me. Trust me. Your life has been filled with people who have broken your trust and let you down, but that isn't me. I love you. I love YOU. All I want is your heart. All I want is for you to take up your cross and follow me. My arms are open waiting to welcome you back with love. I am waiting. Will now be the time? Will you give me all of you and allow me to heal you and rebuild the ancient ruins that have been long devastated? Will you trust me? Will you follow me today, no turning back?"

This was to me from him. I have no doubt in my mind. This changed me. I can't explain the change, but I am changed. I will never be the same again.