Just a poem

You were never there 
So why should I care? 
Your opinion should mean nothing to me.
Yet I feel like a child
Small and afraid
I don't understand 
Why you make me feel this way
I should ask you to leave
I should say "go away"
Yet somewhere deep inside
I want you to stay
All the pain that you've caused
I still hold in my heart
And hope that one day 
You'll understand your part
You never said you're sorry
You don't think you've done wrong
I doubt you ever will
I've known this all along
I just want to know you love me
Is that too much to ask?
But it seems that you've moved on 
And left me in the past.

Poetry is therapeutic

I wrote the following poem about my feelings toward someone in my life. A person who has hurt me repeatedly...read if you dare.

You said goodbye
You walked away
You left love for another day
Even though you knew what was on the way

You weren't there
I never knew
I had someone else
Who were you
To walk back in after walking out
You have no idea  what this is all about

I needed you, but you werent there
You never tried
You didn't care
A child left wondering,
So confused
How could you love one and not the other,
How did you choose?

like a newborn baby...

Today my baby is 10 days old. Last night our first night without any help, and it was definitely a challenge. I have never been a person who was able to stay up late, or function on little to know sleep, so having a baby who wakes up ever 1 to 2 hours is something that is taking a toll on me. I am sure I will get used to it and figure out how to sleep during the day, but right now I am exhausted! I absolutely love my son, but I am terrified of doing something wrong. I am having a hard time nursing, so I am having to supplement with formula. I hate formula, but sometimes he will not nurse at all and I have no choice but to feed him formula. The thing is, I am so confused as to how much formula I should feed him at a time. I just want him to be healthy. I don't want to over feed or under feed him. I just want to do it right. I suppose as long as he is eating and gaining weight/growing like he is supposed to I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it. This is the most important thing I will ever do. I can't screw this up. I haven't really done much with my life up until recently. Now I am in college, married to the man of my dreams, and I am a mommy to a wonderful little guy. Despite the challenges of being a new mom, I trust God, and I know he would not have given me this precious gift if he didn't think I (while relying on him of course) could do this. We will be fine. But for now, we will also be tired.

His eye is on the...terripoo?

This weekend my dog was left outside and we couldn't find him. We searched for him everywhere we could think of, but he was gone. We tried very hard to make it OK, to make ourselves accept the fact that we would probably never see him again. Even in saying that to ourselves, there was this looming depression in our house. We missed our dog and wanted him home. The dog's name is Buddy. He is a very small terrier/poodle mix (a terripoo) who only weighs 8.8 pounds. After searching for so long, we gave up for the weekend and decided to check the animal shelters on Monday morning. Early Monday morning I received a call from a lady telling me that she and her husband had found Buddy on Saturday and had taken him home with them. Our names were not on Buddy's tags, but the couple called the vet listed on the old tag, which is the vet we still use, and were able to call and get our number from them. We had been praying all weekend for Buddy. We said "we just want our dog back, please bring him home". Our prayers were answered. He is one blessed pup. There were so many factors against him and so many reasons why he should not be alive, and certainly why he should not have been returned to us. When I think about this, about how God was watching out for my little dog, how he kept him safe when there was no logical reason why he should not have been eaten by a coyote or hit by a car, and how this family just happened to think to call the vet and get our contact information, I think about what a mighty God we serve. If he cares about my dog, who am I to think he does not care about me and will not take care of me? He loves me so much more than he loves my dog. I will never again let my doubt and fear get in the way, because I know God is going to take care of me. I thank him for this, and I thank him for bringing my dog home safely.

We're having a baby

This week marks my 37th week of pregnancy. My baby is officially considered full term, and the thought that I could give birth at any moment is constantly on my mind. This has been an interesting experience for me. The first trimester was rough. I had horrible morning sickness and lost a significant amount of weight. The second trimester I started feeling a little better, and had slightly more energy than I did at first. Now into the third trimester...I don't feel sick, but I feel heavy, like it's just difficult to stand up or lie down, or walk. My back and my hips hurt, I'm tired all of the time. I have also been having problems with my blood pressure being too high. I have a feeling when I go for my appointment this week that if it is still too high, he will want to induce. I probably shouldn't say this, but it wouldn't hurt my feelings in the least if he did. There are parts of being pregnant that I love. I love feeling my son's kicks, and rolls and pokes. It's a feeling like none other. The idea of being a mom makes me happy, and I am excited about it. I am not so excited about the whole process of giving birth. I have horrible anxiety and I have a low pain tolerance. If I have to be in pain, my anxiety goes up and I panic. I also have a fear of surgery and anything resembling surgery. I know having a baby is not surgery, but I am wanting to get an epidural, and even that scares me. I have decided that it will tremendously help with my anxiety if I don't have to feel everything, but the thought of not being able to feel the lower half of my body freaks me out. The whole process freaks me out. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up with a baby. I know that is unrealistic and is not going to happen, but it's still nice to think about. I can't wait to meet my little guy though, so I know that no matter what, the baby and I will both be fine, and it will all be worth it.